On a bright and chilly New Year’s Eve in Hollywood of 2018, a strong young woman wrapped up her Crossfit session and wiped the sweat off her brow. It was a reluctantly busy day. At least the workout was done, but there were projects for work to be completed and a party to go to and a nap is really all that sounded appealing.

She stopped for coffee on her way home, flipping through Instagram photos and emails waiting for her order. It surprised her when the phone rang as she stared at it. She answered.


“Hi, April. I’ve left a gift at your house.”

“Who is this?”

“Robot Santa Claus. Merry X-mas!”

April was pretty sure Robot Santa Claus was an evil version of Santa from the future. She was also pretty sure her flamingo boss Carl was day drinking and playing pranks.

Just in case, she headed home. #butfirstcoffee am I right?

Sure enough, there was a 6 foot tall gift wrapped package outside of her door. She groaned, knowing that getting it inside and unwrapping it would both be challenging.

An hour and a half later, it was done; set up in her living room and plugged in, it was a chamber… a cold, cold chamber.

With it came a card. Inside, in particularly perfect – almost robotic – handwriting, said, “I know how much you need a full body cryo-unit after all the CrossFit/OCR stuff you do. This device is not going to freeze you in time for a thousand years. Promise. Why would I lie to you? – Santa”

Unconvinced, April stared at the chamber, and the fuzzy seat inside of it. If it was seriously a cold therapy device, it would be awesome. If it was a cryogenic freezer chamber that would preserve her for a thousand years, then WHO WAS GOING TO FINISH HER DECKS AT WORK?!

Out loud and to no one in particular, April shrugged with a resigned “Fuck it”, and climbed into the chamber.

She buckled herself in, and the door swung shut. She had about 1.4 seconds to think this was a terrible idea before she blacked out. Nobody knows how long April was out for, but as the tale goes she woke up to something magical.

What did she encounter when she woke up?

Some say she was met with Cthulu, and some say it was the flying spaghetti monster. Other say it was a one eyed sexy alien with purple hair.

But the truth?

It was a pizza. And it hasn’t changed in a thousand years.

man with blue sunglasses and skull