Many have tried to explain the seemingly inherent need that humans have to test their limits in everything they do. Whether it be climbing the tallest mountain or memorizing as many digits of pi as possible, it seems unavoidable that we will stake out the boundaries of our mortality in whatever ways possible, and maybe in pushing those boundaries, find a bit of immortality. Indeed, this noble explanation is the raison d’etre behind the annual goodr Swedish Meatball Eating Contest Extravaganza Fun Run.
The annual goodr Swedish Meatball Eating Contest Extravaganza Fun Run tests the will and fortitude of the human spirit by challenging its participants to eat as many Swedish meatballs as they can, while also running as quickly as possible through one of the most hellish mazes on earth: Ikea.
The basic premise is this:
Beginning at the main entrance of the Ikea, you must make your way as quickly as possible to the checkout area. During the race, 29** Swedish meatballs must be consumed.
The main rules are simple:
- At the entrance before beginning, you must consume your first plate of 10 Swedish meatballs, cost $4.99.
- Once you reach the restaurant, you must stop and consume a second plate of 10 Swedish meatballs.
- At the finish, you must eat a final plate of 9 Swedish meatballs.
Bonus points may be earned as follows:
- At the finish, throwing your last Swedish meatball at the nearest co-habitants having a way-too-serious conversation about an Ikea item (i.e., a fight over the color of the toilet brush added to the cart in the waiting-in-line upsell section, a very tough decision about whether to go with the Bernhard or Leifarne to go with that Mörbylånga, you get the idea.)
- Eating not only the required Swedish meatballs, but also consuming the mashed potatoes and lingonberries on each plated meal.
- Taking a shot of Brännvin after eating any meatballs. (Shots are provided at each Swedish meatball station.)
- If a participant encounters a bonus plate of Swedish meatballs throughout the store, that participant may (but is not obligated to) consume the bonus plate of Swedish meatballs for additional bonus points.
- Bonus points awarded on a sliding scale if a participant completes the run with actual Ikea products (the more and larger the Ikea products the greater the bonus points awarded, with additional points for building the product as opposed to taking off the showroom floor).
- Numerous bonus points awarded for finding the Golden Meatball, which is cleverly hidden and may only be found by deciphering a series of clues, each more fiendish than the last.
Participants can lose points for the following:
- Vomiting (unless said vomiting is done in an Ikea showroom toilet or sink)
- Laying tiger traps for other participants (that was a dick move, Rob)
- Stepping on or kicking a puppy, because even though it should go without saying, that’s an evil fucking thing to do and you should be punished in all aspects of life for that transgression.
The winner is the participant with the highest Meatball Score, which is a combination of points earned based on the time to complete the maze and consumption of the mandatory Swedish meatballs, plus all bonus points earned while in the maze, less any penalty points.
While the Extravaganza certainly exacts a physical toll while the participants run it, the true punishment does not begin until the following day. The Guinness Book of World Records lists a Swedish Meatball Hangover as the second worst hangover a person can endure, coming in closely behind a Cocaine and Four Loko (original caffeinated recipe) Hangover. Most participants describe a Swedish Meatball Hangover as roughly equivalent to suffering through a bout of malaria. For this reason, only the truly brave and stupid participate in the annual goodr Swedish Meatball Eating Contest Extravaganza Fun Run. And it is for these brave and stupid individuals that we have forged the Swedish Meatball Hangover goodr Running Sunglasses. May these individuals run eternal, drunk and sweating until they reach the gates of Valhalla! Witness them!
**The number 29 has been very carefully calculated. It is the combined total of top 40 hits by Swedish pop sensations Abba (14), Ace of Base (7) and Icona Pop (1), plus the number of hat tricks Peter Forsberg made (7) during his tenure on the Colorado Avalanche