As you may know, we at goodr very much enjoy a good drink (or ten… okay twenty, but just know it’s a hobby, not a habit.. we can stop any time we want). And like everything else we do, it’s done at 100%. Every nutritionist will tell you, the most important drink you’ll have is the breakfast drink as it will help fuel your body and dull your mind for the rest of the day (with the occasional top off from the ol’ hip flask). Because of the importance of the morning drink, we have spent countless hours in the goodr Alcoholic Drink Laboratory (which may or may not be the bathroom of a Motel 6 that we outfitted with a camp stove and a couple of buckets of ice) perfecting the quintessential breakfast beverage: the Bloody Mary. What we discovered was the hotter you make a bloody mary, the more effective the drink is at burning away the previous day’s bad decisions and terrible, terrible sins. In other words, you use the drink to burn down the old, ruined self and allow the new you to rise from the ashes of your hangover like a phoenix (or just convulse on the ground in pain until you can regain enough control to crawl to the refrigerator for milk). So naturally we named the drink Phoenix at a Bloody Mary Bar and named a pair of shades after the drink (as is our wont). In any case, here’s the recipe. Try it at your own risk.
For the mix:
3 cups (24 ounces) tomato juice
5 teaspoons Blair’s 16 Million Reserve Hot Sauce
1 1/2 ounces freshly squeezed lemon juice (from about 1 medium lemon)
2 teaspoons Dave’s Ultimate Insanity Sauce
1 1/2 ounces freshly squeezed lime juice (from about 2 medium limes)
2.4 teaspoons 357 MAD DOG Hot Sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
3 teaspoons Magma Hot Sauce
2 teaspoons peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish
14 crushed seeds of a Guatemalan Insanity Pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground Vietnamese spicy black pepper
4 cups (16 ounces) of 176 Proof Balkan Vodka
Spicy pickle spears
The skin of a poison dart frog (preferably blue, but any color will do)
FOR THE MIX:
Place all of the ingredients in a stainless steel 1-quart container and whisk until well combined. Be careful not to inhale the fumes as they may cause dizziness, hallucinations or paralysis. Cover and refrigerate until the flavors meld and the mix is chilled and the contents makes the sound of the chorus of 1,000 dying baby deer; at least 2 hours or preferably overnight. The mix will keep refrigerated in a container with a tight-fitting lid for up to 24 hours. After that time it becomes highly combustible as its component parts break down into trinitrotoluene.
- When ready to serve, put on a gas mask and whisk the mix to recombine.
- Fill 8 highball glasses halfway with ice. Pour 2 ounces of the vodka and 4 ounces of the mix into each glass and stir to combine. Garnish each with 3 ghost peppers, a spicy pickle spear and some bacon.
- Light the concoction on fire and roast the poison dart frog skin until ashen.
- Spread the ashes of the poison dart frog around the glass and perform the incantation of happy drinking times.
- Enjoy your drink!