The Squatch (that’s what the cool kids are calling Sasquatch these days), he don’t care about your poor ankle flexibility. If those squats aren’t below parallel, you’re getting iced. Depending on his mood, he might start with a friendly no-rep warning, but it doesn’t matter if it’s the 5:30 a.m. class on a Monday or 6 p.m. on a Thursday, Squatch comes to the box with a cooler of Smirnoff Ice every day and he won’t leave until the cooler is empty. You have to just hope that he doesn’t catch you miss those movement standards more than three times in a workout, or you might need to find a DD to get you home. 

Squatch almost killed poor Becky last week. Becky was partnered with Squatch for a partner WOD. They had to lunge a sandbag back and forth to each other while making eye contact. Becky was wearing a pair of white framed goodr sunglasses with blue lenses. The lenses were a beautiful mirrored reflective blue and Squatch could not see Becky’s eyes. He assumed that she was avoiding looking at his bizarre big furry face and counted this behavior as a loud “NO REP!” Becky was handed 9 sugary Smirnoff Ice beverages before the end of the workout, and if she didn’t drink them all, Squatch was going to go full rage mode– plus he threatened to steal her sunglasses (he liked how they fit on his bigger than average skull). Like a BAMF, Becky got on one knee and chugged away. She got to her 7th icing and couldn’t get it down. Her esophagus told her, “NO MORE,” and cut her off like a responsible bartender. Squatch was FURIOUS. He did not think it was fair that she had one and a half penalty drinks left. Becky didn’t know what to do, but she remembered that he liked her sunglasses. She took them off her head and gifted them to the Squatch. “What beautiful eyes!” he remarked once she unveiled them from the mirrored lenses. 

From that point forward Squatch only iced on no-rep squats, admitting that Becky’s lack of eye contact was a total misunderstanding.

large white crossfit sunglasses