Suns out buns! The only way to look better than wearing goodrs is to ONLY wear goodrs. This year goodr was the proud sponsor of the BARE BURRO NUDE 5K TRAIL RUN….read more (wear less)!

F rom the time I turned 13 I never left the house without Mom calling out “Make Good Choices!”.  Right now she’s home weeping so theatrically she can’t even hear Alex Trebek making now condescending comments to the very nerds I made condescending comments to back in high school. I’d heard about a highly competitive 5K trail run in the hills outside Los Angeles.  Steep climbs, loose gravel, mid-trail gopher holes, rattlesnakes, cactus, heat stroke, all the shit I love on a trail run.  But just when you think 5K might be a little too easy, you learn you have to run it naked.  Yup.  Starkers, bare ass, birthday suit naked.  Men, women, young, old, fit, fat, frumpy, fabulous humanity in all its glory.  You’ll see more junk on display than in Aunt Martha’s favorite Hallmark store.

So I bought mom an extra case of Kleenex and signed up for the 8th Annual Bare Burro Nude 5K Trail Run at Olive Dell Ranch.

Californians are endlessly smug about their freaking awesome weather so it wasn’t a surprise that it was sunny and 72 when race check-in opened at 8am.  The forecast was a perfect Suns-Out-Buns-Out 77 degrees at race time, and into the 80’s by early afternoon when pretty much everyone would be drunk and hanging out in the pool.

Check-in is easy, volunteers are all super-friendly and pretty soon you and 300+ other naked mistake-makers are crowded at the starting line while the organizers take a few moments to remind you you’ve paid them money to run around naked in rattlesnake-infested hills.  They seemed to be happy and smiling and enjoying that moment of zen.

Then you’re off.  Legs, cheeks, bums and butts bobbing along on a dirt road that’s flat for about 37” before the hills start.    I was loving my Goodr glasses as they’re designed not to bounce.  Something that can’t be said for my sporting equipment that has never had the chance to see the course like it was seeing it today.

This is only a 5K but it’s a fucking tough 5K.  The first mile is ALL uphill.  By the end of it you’re covered in a sticky combination of sweat and trail dust kicked up by the runners in front of you.   There are also wild burros that roam the hills (giving the race it’s name) so there’s no doubt there’s donkey shit mixed in the trail dust.  At a spa in Palm Springs you’d pay $200 to be wrapped in an organic Mystical Mojave desert mud pack with the essence of local fauna.  But to me it still seems like dirt and sweat and shit – but that’s probably why I didn’t ever get that job to do marketing for snooty spas.

Just when you spot a bit of downhill on the fire road, the course veers off on to a single-track trail that must have been laid out by a drunk rattlesnake with a faulty compass.   It twists and curves around boulders, cactus, chaparral and other shit that would be seriously unpleasant were you to slip on the loose gravel underfoot.

At a certain point you forget you’re naked, forget everyone else is naked, and race strategy kicks in.  You start plotting how you’re going to pass the sweaty guy in front of you on a single track trail without creating a moment that would require you both to step aside and have a cigarette together.

Then you get into a zone where you think this is totally fucking awesome.  I’m running naked along a beautiful trail through the California foothills, looking at snow covered peaks in the distance and more full moons on the horizon than Jupiter – or whichever planet it is that has way more than it’s fair share of moons.   And everyone else is smiling and happy.   Mom may have been wrong.  Getting naked, hot and sweaty with 300 strangers isn’t a bad thing at all.

The single track trail eventually joins back to the fire road and you get a nice ½ mile that’s mostly downhill, you glance at your watch and think “I am killing this!  I can already smell that beer at the finish line!”  (Editors note that almost everyone could smell beer at the finish line as the previous day was the inaugural Naked Beer Mile Fun Run and more than a few drops were shamefully spilled and wasted).     Then the course dips down near some horse stables, and cuts back to a steep hill.  So steep it’s got fucking switchbacks.  It’s a harsh and cruel trick with your hopes of a record finish time shrinking faster than….well let’s just leave it there.

The last ¼ mile is all downhill on a dirt road.  You start seeing naked spectators cheering you on.  You’re feeling good and thinking I am the man!  And you push a little harder since you know all the spectators can tell exactly what kind of man you are.

There’s lots of high fives and congratulations at the finish line.   Nobody remembers they’re naked.  We’re just a group of people who think running is fun.  Today we didn’t need any fancy ass running shorts, hydro-thermally wicked shirts or pretentious running glasses.  We just had fun.

At the awards ceremony, all of the top finishers got a pair of Goodr glasses, so the afternoon is spent in a pleasant blur of cocktails, swimming pool, happy runners in fun glasses and increasingly exaggerated running stories.  Nobody makes a move to put their clothes on.  Why ruin a perfect vibe when running and chilling out naked is so much goodr.

The Bare Burro Nude 5K Trail Run takes place each April at Olive Dell Ranch in Colton, CA.  Goodr is proud to be a sponsor.    www.OliveDellRanch.com

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