Ben Beanmachine showed up to the 5:30 class ready to rope climb. Tube socks taught. He had looked at the WOD ahead of time. He always did, and it never failed. He didn’t like surprises. When he walked in the garage door he was greeted with faces of agony as his fellow boxies grinded through their 4:30 workout. Rope burn. He could smell it in the air. “So many fools forgot their socks today,” his internal thoughts cackled. He went to the mobility corner and started to get his foam roller on. Ben always showed up early– no sense in not mobilizing. It was now 5:29, and nobody else had shown up for class.

Veronica Vishsticks burned rubber into the parking lot at 5:34. Her party tank still had a faint smell of beer from the 10K she wore it to the weekend before. She sees “rope climbs” on the board and is thankful for her black leggings. “Hey Beanmachine! Nice socks!” She exclaims as she jumps right into the warmup. Ben nods, but he’s really thinking, “IT’S ON!”

Every minute on the minute they had to perform two rope climbs and as many single arm kettlebell snatches as possible before the top of the minute. The two started off neck and neck. Veronica’s speed up the rope made up for her slower snatches. Ben didn’t like this. He came for domination. Off came his shirt, and as the last bit of fiber left his skin, out popped the octopus muscles. His arms became jointed in unexplainable ways and with a few practice grips, he figured out a way to grip the rope in two places at once with one arm. This allowed him to kettlebell snatch while rope climbing. A feat not even Mat Fraser has attempted. He slithered up and down that rope, getting in snatches as he went. Veronica Vishsticks’ jaw was on the ground. Not for long though. She had her own workout she wanted to beastmode through.

The final score: Ben Beanmachine 1,742 snatches. Veronica Vishsticks 112. 

As Veronica shook Ben’s hand his entire arm moved in ways she couldn’t explain. The moral here: Octopus muscles or not, get your workout done, and hey! If you have some kind of special ability, go ham on it.

These polarized sunglasses can’t guarantee WOD domination, but they will stay on your face during the action.

crossfit red sunglasses