MAKE YOUR OWN BATHTUB GIN

There is only one way to assure a down and sleazy night at the speakeasy, and that my friend is all in the bathtub gin recipe.

Make your own homebrew by following these steps exactly:

 

  1. Fill the bathtub up one fifth of the way with regular lukewarm bath water. There is no need to clean the tub prior, as this step will help bring out the natural flavors of the tub, while the alcohol takes care of any unwanted microbacteria.

  2. Dump 42 plastic handles of grain alcohol, may we suggest Everclear, in the tub, or until the tub is ⅚ of the way full. Don’t waste your money on any of that fancy booze in glass bottles. Substitute ⅓ of the alcohol with rubbing alcohol for a more rustic flavor.

  3. Pick 6 pounds of mysterious red berries. Bonus if you find a dead bird under your berry bush. This is a sign that your berries are extra sweet, as small birds frequently OD on fructose when given the chance. Can we blame them? Dump berries in the tub.

  4. Further infuse the mixture with lemon and orange peel, to taste.

  5. Use yoga mats like a pool cover, sealing the liquid in the tub and helping create a dark space for the magic to happen. Close the shower curtain and turn off the lights. Stir vigorously with a broom daily for two weeks, never exposing your masterpiece to any artificial light during this process. You’re off the hook from showering, but if you must bathe, put on these light blue goodr sunglasses and splash around in the tub, being sure to refrain from adding any soap to mix. This action will count as your stir for the day.

  6. Strain and enjoy!

RISKS OF CONSUMPTION ARE IMMEDIATE BLINDNESS AND DEATH. DRINK AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.