The Flamingle Casino and Resort was just the place to lose $500 in one sitting, and Ned knew how to make it happen. After 45 minutes of praying to win on King Cash quarter slots, Ned thought it was time to hit the grown men’s room (not the little boy’s room. Honestly, why do people say that?) followed by the grown men’s table: Real. Life. Blackjack.
Ned’s lonely table wasn’t lonely for long. His two best friends, The Angel and The Devil joined him quite quickly. As Ned shrugged off his first BUST of the night, he felt them, one perched on each shoulder.
ANGEL: Ned, c’mon. You know you were gonna use that money to get your wife a nice anniversary gift, yet you’re still in the casino. 1 AM is late enough, dude. Don’t you have a run in the morning? Or a race? I can’t keep up with your calendar.
NED (muttering under his breath): I got plenty of money and free drinks. Haters gonna hate. Besides, booze helps me loosen up for race day. And, if you really cared about me, you would keep better track of my calendar.
DEVIL: Damn straight you got free drinks, let’s get this party going! SHOT-SHOT-SHOT-SHOT-SHOT!!!!
ANGEL: Hold it right there buddy. If we’re gonna sit at this table let’s at least win money, not throw it all away. Order a water, and then we make our big bet.
NED: Deal, but —
DEVIL: C’mon you pansies, its Vegas. We take one vacation away from the kids a year. Screw Blackjack, let’s play Poker. Nice and busy over at the Hold ‘Em tables!
NED: Meh, I’m more of a blackjack guy. Besides, I don’t want to hold’em, I hardly even know ‘em. Ha…get it?
ANGEL: Great. Now you’re making borderline inappropriate dad jokes. You HAVE been drinking too much.
DEVIL: Or not enough…
NED: Just the right amount, fellas. The sweet spot, as some folks say.
DEALER: Sir? Are you in, sir? I need your bet. And are you…doing ok?
NED: Yes ma’am! I’m living the dream! And about to walk away with some extra cash!
DEALER: You sure are! (hint of sarcasm, but expertly handled so as not to get fired)
NED: I’m all in.
DEALER: Not really the game you use that phrase in, but, here we go! (again with the expert sarcasm)
ANGEL: Maybe it’s time we bust out the shades so the dealer can’t see your drunken eyes light up every time you’re dealt an ace. That’s how they win…
DEVIL: Clearly you have no idea how this game works. But, yeah Ned, put the shades on! Everyone LOVES a guy who wears sunglasses at night!
NED: For once, you’re both right. Let me throw on my Dead Soul Eye Shields, my secret weapon.
As the dealer dealt, the cocktail waitress showed up with five shots of whiskey and a glass of water…apparently Ned had been speaking aloud his angel and devil the whole time. Welp, that’s Vegas for ya!
DEALER: Blackjack! Great job sir.
Ned slammed the five shots and pounded the glass of water, shoveling his winnings into his t-shirt like a real class act.
NED: Hot Damn! (in Devil voice) ALL IN FOR SIN, BABY! (in Angel voice) God help us.
DEALER: Sorry Ned, think you’re way past that.