Bigfoot Sightings Decline Explained 

Associat’d Press

March 16, 2012 

In recent months, sightings of Bigfoot (Grandispodiadae) have begun to wane, much to the dismay of the world’s top pseudoscientists. 

A recent article by Dr. Harry Henderson, PhD in Beasteology, published in the New England Journal of Fantastic Beasts quandaried, “Where is Bigfoot?” 

The research study, a solo investigation conducted by Dr. Henderson, concluded that the Bigfeet have been at a hipster dive bar in San Francisco. 

Following the discovery of a pile of mini-bar size shooters of Fernet Branca in one well-known Bigfoot female’s cave dwelling in Sequoia National Park, Dr. Henderson tracked Female A’s trail for months, on foot, eventually reaching the doors of Lucky Baker’s 13.

Known as a very difficult dive bar to get into due to a strict hipster fashion dress code enforced by a bouncer, Henderson was praised and granted lifetime entry for his attention to hipster detail (read: flannel attire, earthy stench and family of birds living in his scraggly beard). 

Henderson noted in the study, “Remarkably, it was not only the Female A at the bar. The other patrons there were 97% Sasquatchian.”

Through a series of interviews at the bar, Henderson deduced that each Bigfoot had arrived there in the same manner: hipsters had inadvertently left fernet near each Bigfoot’s habitat during camping trips. Once the animal tasted the aperitif, a phenomenon occurred that caused them to fiendishly hunt for more of the beverage. 

This phenomenon, known as “The Fernet Sweats” (Hipsterbodyodoris), is a spontaneous perspiration, which occurs after having precisely the correct amount of fernet. The amount varies per beast or human based on weight, metabolism and hipster quotient. 

Henderson noted, “The Sweats, though known to aid in digestion and decrease overall inflammation, will require further study to determine their other benefits and possible addictive properties.”

The owner of Lucky Baker’s 13, donning a gas mask, refused to comment when asked whether she enjoyed the influx in Bigfoot business.