Becky’s bridesmaids simply wanted to host a fun, relaxing weekend of “bonding” for her last weekend as a single woman. They probably would have succeeded with their well-intentioned plans, had they chosen perhaps a nice wine country destination or day spa situation instead of the most debaucherous city in the nation.  (Notice our rhyming structure. That was intentional. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING.) But Becky had never been to Vegas, so she picked Vegas. And Sin City, as we all know, always has plans of its own for first-timer Becky.

The weekend started five-strong, with all the ladies buzzing with excitement to make their first stop at an off-strip pool party they had heard was a hidden gem. Julie and Nicole dashed to the bar to grab their first frozen cocktails and couldn’t resist the yard-size piña coladas for which SC has become notorious. The first two yards of cocktails went down quick and easy, but the mix of day drinking and floating on a flamingo-flatable in the 103-degree sun eventually caught up with them, and they became the first victims to SC. They should have done a better job with their Pool Party Pregame to avoid such a fate. (See what we did there? Pool party pregame is another pair of Sin City goodrs. Yeah, we’re clever.)

Alas, the diminished group of just three pledged to continue on and headed to the Golden Nugget in search of King Cash (Yep, that’s ANOTHER reference to a pair of Sin City goodrs. Even cleverer.) Jessica’s father had regaled her with the tale of this magical lion, a surly anthropomorphic beast who would call you to his gambling lair to pull his arm for a chance to spin his magical bonus wheel. They searched and searched, but all they found was a slot machine called King Cash. Weird. (It shall be noted here that Jessica’s father had a little too much “fun” as a younger lad in Vegas.)

Disappointed, but never one to be defeated, Jessica took her talents to the Black Jack table instead. The luck she had sensed quickly materialized and before she knew it, she had turned $5 into $5k! A crowd amassed around the table and Jessica became obsessed with the power of winning. They were chanting her name each time she was dealt a hand.  (How did they learn her name??? Creeeeeepy. Oh, wait, nevermind. It’s because she was wearing a t-shirt that said “Bride Babe Jessica” — phew).

“Luck,” however, did not linger for Bride Babe Jessica, and as quickly as the chips had escalated, the chips fell. Before she knew it, Jessica was left with only pennies and was resigned to playing Penny Slots for Free Drinks, too depressed to leave her lonely seat at the Golden Nugget. (And yes, that’s another pair of Sin City goodrs. Cleverer and cleverer).

Sin City: 3 Becky’s Bachelorette Party: 2

The remaining two ladies were bummed to lose another member of their team, but Megan vowed to continue the party! Small but mighty, they hit Fremont Street for some downtown fun. Then, Megan suggested heading to the Stratosphere to grab some drinks and indulge their inner child-like joy with a ride on the rooftop roller-coaster. Neither had been to Vegas before, so they decided to walk.  Rookies.

After an hour and three-minute awful walk (shoulda believed google maps when it told you 37 min and added on extra for your nighttime footwear and a pit stops to get roadies at Walgreens), they finally strapped in for their first bounce on the big shot. Megan had forgotten how much she loved the thrill of a coaster and opted to keep riding. $250 and 16 rides later, though, she sadly became the 10,657th member of the SCPVC (Stratosphere Coaster Projectile Vomit Club). Yuck, Megan.

And then… there was Becky.

Julie, Nicole, Jessica, and Megan were passed out in their suite at the Planet Hollywood, sleeping off their individual blunders when they were abruptly awoken by A Bump in the Night (clevererererer.) They never figured out what had caused the noise, but as they awoke they noticed they were missing a member of their team… BECKY! In their still half-drunk, half-awake stupor, they tried to collectively remember where they had last seen her. Julie and Nicole didn’t remember much since they had not made it past the pool party, but they remembered her joking about getting a tattoo of some flamingo named Carl she had met. Megan was in great shape because she had vomited on the ride and expelled her body of all the bad stuff, so she remembered a chapel they had stumbled into on their long walk — Becky wanted to “check it out” for a later date. Jessica recalled only the reality that she had spent all of the money in her bank account between King Cash, Black Jack and Penny Slots and began to ugly cry.


And so the girls set out in their Dead Soul Eye Shields (not too clever with this Sin City colorway, since we are actually just referring to them putting on the glasses. Ho hum.)

As the sun glared over the desert and the ladies tried to weave their way past the Britney Spears video slot machines and Pink’s hot dogs (god they were famished, why wasn’t it OPEN right now????), they didn’t notice Becky, bright eyed and bushy tailed, returning to the room with Starbucks for everyone. Because you see, that bump in the “night” was actually Becky. Leaving the room, at 8:32 a.m., to get some breakfast for everyone.

And the moral of Becky’s Bachelorette Bacchanal is:

8:32 a.m. is too early to be waking up in Vegas.