LONDON DAILY POST
Friday Evening, November 9, 1888
“APPLE JACK THE RIPPER” CONTINUES TO TERRORIZE LONDON
Scotland Yard Investigates London’s Most Infamous Criminal
Apple Jack the Ripper was plying his trade again early this morning of the utmost heinous crimes against humanity. The victim, Mary Jane Kelly of 13 Miller’s Court, 26 Dorset Street, Spitalfields, fit the description of past Apple Jack targets perfectly, being a woman who made her living selling apples from her cart. The ghastly scene was discovered by Mary Jane Kelly’s landlord when he tried to collect six weeks back rent due. The hapless police are at a loss having no leads on the identity of Apple Jack or his motives.
When questioned about the police’s floundering investigation, Chief Inspector Carl F. LaMingo said, “Terribly sorry, old chap, but I’m not entirely sure why you keep asking me about this particular disturbance. It appears to be a simple vandal who inexplicably takes pleasure in dumping out the apple carts of poor merchants and squashing the apples. Damaged apples are hardly the most pressing crime the police have to address.”
When pressed further on their incompetence, Chief Inspector LaMingo tried to deflect by asking, “Don’t you have more important stories to write about? How did you even get a job as a reporter?” As these questions were presumed rhetorical, no answer was given by this reporter.
With the police at a loss and the city’s apple carts under constant threat, there is no sign of hope for those Londoners who rely on apples for scurvy prevention and rotten fruit to throw at gatherings.
When reached for comment the office of the Lord Mayor of London responded tersely, stating, “If you don’t stop calling on the Lord Mayor and bothering him with your Apple Jack dribble, we will have the local constables throw you in the Thames.”
Despite the institutional inaction of the Scotland Yard and the office of the Lord Mayor of London, this reporter will continue undaunted in his search for the identity of Apple Jack the Ripper in hopes that he can spare the city from any further apple related massacres.
Now, put these polarized sunglasses on and go pick some apples; but be forewarned, the ghost of Apple Jack the Ripper still lurks where apples are juicy and ripe…